The Thing That Happened With My Brain

So what was that weird thing about your brain?

I don’t know. For us to discuss it, there are some things you should know and I know that the mere discussion of some details is going to be more than enough for some of you to roll your eyes straight to Canada, but whatever, that’s for you to figure out.

Here’s something you should know about me—

I am an above average dreamer. Prolific, in fact. And the dreams I do have aren’t rehashes of Disney sagas with me in the starring role. I do not dream of driving a Ferrari through Hollywood. I do not bed starlets or kung fu my way through REM sleep. What typically happens for me is that I download information. Names. Places. Phrases. The information is often without any obvious context. I have no reference. I write down what comes in, save the document, and then, in most cases, never look at it again. And at this point in my life the collection is so expansive and varied that I’ve given up even trying to connect the dots. I used to scour obituaries, maps, anagram generators, etc. but no more.

It took a long time for me to understand that my brain doesn’t work like most brains and I’ve done extensive research in search of more specific language to articulate what exactly the difference is. But I’m not a scientist so here’s what you get.

I seem to be particularly susceptible of ending up with  specific type of brain wave. Again, I’m not a scientist and you know how to use Google, but of the different types of brain waves going through all of our precious noggins (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Theta, and Delta), the ones going through me when I’m lying down to sleep or hanging out in a sensory deprivation tank or working with my Reiki healer Sarah are more often than not Theta and the volume on them is turned way the hell up.

I’ve ended up in places I’ve never been, not always in the 21st Century, around people (and other incarnations, some of which I don’t have a name for) I’ve never met. Sometimes it feels like I’ve jumped into somebody else’s head and am experiencing life through a different consciousness other times it feels way, way weirder than that and I won’t bother trying to explain it here. I’ve had such profound experiences in this realm that I’m not worried about how crazy it might sound to others.

(My ego is chiming in right now, insisting that I tell you that I experienced all of this for decades before I did any research. I didn’t read about it and then decide that it sounded cool and that I’d like to have the experience. In fact, I actively didn’t read about it because I didn’t want it to influence my understanding of it. There are plenty of people in my life, many of whom don’t know each other, that can attest to otherwise inexplicable incidents involving my brain.)

In October of 2019 my brain was getting overloaded on a nightly basis. I took notes, sometimes for a half dozen or more pages. Names. Places. But also it was like I was connected to a very large switchboard that had lines running in all directions of time and space. Even for me it was a bit extraordinary. But each night I buckled up and transcribed maybe hoping that I was going to crack some key to the the secrets of the universe.

Then something weird (and I hate using that word here because I know I’m in a loaded environment and some among you are going to say oh, this is where it got weird? but it’s the best language I have right here) happened. The visions started getting darker and whereas I normally felt safe inside them, I started feeling really, really uncomfortable.

Earlier in the fall I’d gotten a download along the lines of “1025-1029” which I took to mean October 25 – 29 and which I further took (without any direct explanation of it) meant that something big and good would come with those dates. It felt, intuitively, like it would be some transition period. If you were following me on Twitter at the time, you, no doubt, saw multiple postings about 1025-1029. It was super imprinted on my brain.

On October 27th I wrote down the following note:

I felt like a version of me just died with a thud. It was audible in a sense.

It was a fairly dramatic shift. Like my neck went to an angle that utilized a dimension we don’t account for.

The next section gets back on the tracks for a bit, but then I’m clearly distressed and writing about it and some otherwise grim stuff before saying  —

Felt like I just got punched in the back left of my brain.

The rest of October 27th is dark and there’s a heaviness to October 28th. On the 29th I went into a Reiki appointment and kept having the sensation that I was dying. It was so visceral that I grew increasingly worried that I would die on the table and that Sarah would have to call my parents to tell them that I died. I was willing myself to stay alive. The only vision I had that day in Reiki was that I was in a sailboat, in the middle of the ocean at night, and a voice saying –

“You wanted to explore. You wanted an adventure. You wanted to get away from people. Well, here you are. Now what?”

I went home that night and had another round of dark downloads. Then? The feed cut out and I couldn’t connect to anything. At all. This has NEVER happened before and it totally freaked me out. I explained it to a friend – “It’s like if you opened your front door and there wasn’t anything. Not even the promise of far away stars.”

I was also exhausted on a really deep level during those days to the point where I almost fell asleep at a street light.

On October 28th I got the biopsy done that ultimately ended up with my melanoma diagnosis. Is it possible that my body and brain knew something on a subconscious level and it influenced everything else? I don’t know. How could I?

I do know that when I got the diagnosis on November 1st my brain was pretty scrambled. And I knew then that part of what was driving my fear and anxiety was that I didn’t feel connected to anything. For more than ten years I’ve felt connected to a greater universe/ power/ source/ whatever you call it and have taken great comfort in that. So in the moment where my mortality was a consideration in ways it had never been, to not feel connected to the larger universe, to not have the sense that I was connected to all time and space, that was existentially terrifying in a way that I will never have the words to describe.

That Sunday morning I woke up to the following message –

Debra Ackerman. Shriner’s Gap, Indiana.

And that, which means nothing to me, meant everything to me. It was like a computer coming back online. There is nothing I can point to in a text book and say This! This is what happened to me! but it doesn’t make the experience less real, nor does it lessen my relief in the slightest.

Since reestablishing the connection, I’ve had regular downloads like I’m accustomed to. I haven’t tried pushing things too hard, letting whatever may come, come.

While in this dreaming state, I’ve ended up in places I’ve never been but seem intimately familiar with. I am not always in the 21st Century. Or on recognizable Earth. Some of the presences that come in contact are not human, but I intuitively recognize them. I frequently jump into other people’s heads, including, on occasion different versions of Ben LeRoy (like I’ve crisscrossed the multiverse). Other times it feels way, way weirder than that and I won’t bother trying to explain it here. I’ve had such profound experiences in this realm that I’m not worried about how crazy it might sound to others and in as much as you can have witnesses for this kind of thing, I’ve had them. But that is another matter for another time should the need ever arise.